I Love Him, I Love Him Not?
by animationgirlKIA
Summary: Out of all the people that Saika had loved, only two people in particular stood out to it. Now, Anri cannot tell which one Saika- or she – prefers more. Mikado/Anri and Shizuo/Anri (though they're more from an internal perspective). CONTAINS NOVEL SPOILERS.


To be honest, this is my very first time typing up a fanfic. While at times I may drabble something down on paper or online, I never really develop my ideas until now. Hopefully, the end result of this would not turn out as bad as some of you readers might expect from a newcomer like me.

As for the fanfic itself, allow me to elaborate on it for the new and curious readers of the DRRR fandom: **my OTP is Shizuo/Anri**. Yes, this means I ship the strongest man of Ikebukuro with the "mother" of Saika.

Now, I know some of you are looking at me with raising eyebrows, thinking _"Huh? Why is that? They didn't even interact enough to form a relationship!"_ Here's what I respond: **Shizuo and Anri have a lot in common.**

Both of them possess extraordinary powers that are beyond human control (Shizuo's super strength, Anri's possession of a demonic sword). However, said powers also caused them to have low, _**low**_ self-esteems of themselves (Shizuo's guilt complex for his rage disorder, Anri's self-depreciating thoughts as a "parasite" for "leeching off others"). And yet, despite their struggles, they eventually learned how to use their powers for the good of the people. Also, when they're not in combat mode, both of them are quiet and socially-awkward individuals who want to live peaceful lives; not to mention that they're good friends to Celty, who bonds with them due to their supernatural compatibility. Finally, both of them are despised by Izaya, since he doesn't consider them human AND he is envious of their abilities to form connections with other people. Having listed these similarities down, all we need to do have these two meet, give a proper greeting, and prolong their interaction for a certain amount of time. I definitely believe that if this were to happen, these two would likely form a special connection.

 ***DESCRIPTION DOWN BELOW CONTAINS SPOILERS. BEWARE***

As for my thoughts towards **Mikado/Anri** , the one word I could think of whenever I see these two is... **_polarizing_**. Since episode 3, I was never into their relationship at all, and at times I did think that Mikado tried _too hard_ to win Anri over [Ex: asking her who she admires (read: 'crush on' in his head) while she was hospitalized in episode 17]. Despite this, Mikado  & Anri had some cute moments from time to time during the show. However, as I was reading what happened in the light novels, I realized that their relationship got less cute and more messed up as time went on. It got to the point where their relationship _**COULD**_ have turned abusive... which is all thanks to Mikado. Long story short, Mikado gets insecure about his strength to his friends and strives to become stronger, only he becomes a power-hungry dick in the process and starts to act like he gives no sh*t towards the people he loved, including Anri. The more Mikado got worse, the more sour I've become in thinking about the prospect of a relationship between them. **Ironically, while Mikado became a worse person, Shizuo became a better person.** If I were in Anri's position, I would have ditched Mikado **_within a heartbeat_** just for Shizuo. Who cares about the age gap in this case? I'd rather be with someone who is at least more sane and caring than be with someone my own age who turned out to be completely unhinged!

Another reason why I wrote this fanfic was to explore Anri and Saika's relationship - more specifically, their relationship with other people. According to TV Tropes, I learned 3 things about the dynamics of Anri and Saika's relationship with the other characters: **1) Saika acts as Anri's emotional barometer, 2) Whenever Anri looks at Shizuo, Saika gets terribly excited that it requires Anri to keep its thoughts down** , & **3) Saika reacts similarly to Mikado the more time Anri spends time with him**. Since Anri already stated that Saika "loves others for her", it makes me wonder whether or not Saika's thoughts and feelings also overlap with Anri's as well. If Saika reacts strongly whenever Anri is near Mikado or Shizuo, could it be possible that Anri is attracted to both Mikado _AND_ Shizuo? She could be attracted to Mikado due to their personal connection, but she could also be attracted to Shizuo due to his strength and older, more manly radiation (I would imagine that Anri's possible attraction towards him is something akin to the lines of "a teenage girl finding an older man desirable").

Oh, and **slight warning** : this fanfic implies **ephebophilia** (a relationship between an adult and a mid-late teenager), given that Shizuo and Anri are about 8-9 years apart. Even though there's nothing physical going on, it still discusses the possibility of a relationship between them.

Durarara! (c) Ryohgo Narita

Fanfiction (c) Me

* * *

" _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you_..."

Those are the words the girl hears in her head every day.

Every day, as the girl goes on with her typical life, she has to deal with the endless repetition of " _I love you_ ", over and over again. Words not created by her thoughts, but by _what_ was inside of her.

Normally, hearing the same words on a constant basis would drive someone crazy, but for this girl, it wasn't the case. Actually, she did not mind it much. Since the girl did not have the ability to love, she didn't get easily tempted by her inner source's words. As long as the girl couldn't love, she would keep the internal, repeating words to be as loud as a whisper.

Or at least, that's what she thought.

Anri Sonohara, the girl who has the cursed blade within her called Saika, is now having trouble keeping control over her sword.

A long time ago, Anri thought she was incapable of feeling love. Ever since her parents' brutal and tragic deaths, Anri closed herself off from the outside world. To keep surviving, she would put herself in her own little mental frame, too desensitized from the misfortunes that were happening around her.

Analogous to how a human feels love, Saika acts somewhat like Anri's passionate emotion. In order to "love" humans, Saika must pierce its victims, therefore brainwashing them under its control. Dependent on the sword, Anri considered herself as a "parasite" for "leeching off" of others. Although her way of living was completely selfish, Anri would never take advantage of this. She was not the type of person who would go out of her way to slash innocent civilians on a daily basis, even when the sword pressured her to do so. She knew she was living a selfish life, but she wasn't willing enough to bring harm to those around her.

For a while, it seemed that Anri would be stuck in her trauma forever, endlessly repeating the days of her father's abuse and her parents' deaths. However, with her forming genuine bonds among the people she had known in Ikebukuro, Anri appeared to be moving forward. Day by day, step by step, it looked like those days of misery will finally be over...

And as much as she was happy, that bliss is not going to last.

The more Anri takes a step away from her pain and suffering, the more the sword is becoming louder with its endless repetition. She tries to keep it down, but the sword's excitement grows relentlessly.

It's true, Saika loves all of humanity. Its obsessive love for humans is strong enough that it wants to dominate them all. Despite its seemingly equal love towards them, Saika loves certain humans more than others. The reasons for this vary: it could be that certain people have extraordinary traits that appeal to Saika or it could be the wielder's relationships. Lately, as Anri began to realize, there were two people out there whom Saika loved the most.

The first one was Mikado Ryuugamine.

Mikado Ryuugamine, Anri's classmate and good friend - although the "good friend" part was now in question. Although Anri was aware that Mikado liked her, she didn't feel the same way about him. In fact, Anri didn't _need_ to see a reason why her and Mikado wouldn't work out: if she had fallen for him, Saika would have overpowered her, thus risking her and Mikado's lives in the process. For him to fall in love with Anri, Mikado was unknowingly setting himself up to become one of Saika's possessions. To Anri, it was a little foolish for Mikado to fall for someone like her, since he could have fallen for some other girl that didn't have a cursed blade inside her body.

And yet, as time passed, Mikado's kindness and efforts of friendship had opened up Anri like never before.

For a long period of time, she never felt a _personal_ connection with another human being, even though she had her friendship with Mika to take into account. But even so, Anri and Mika's bond ultimately turned out to be much more superficial than with Anri and Mikado's. After all, Mikado wasn't the type of person who would use Anri to make himself look better, nor was he the type who would ditch her in order to stalk someone he barely even knew. Instead, he was the one who questioned her way of living, forcing her to rethink her life choices up until now. From then on afterwards, Anri's admiration for Mikado had grown more and more, slowly developing itself to the point that what she felt for him may be more than just friendly.

Unfortunately, by the time she realized it, Mikado had started to distance himself from her.

After the incident with the Toramaru gang, Anri had noticed a dark change within Mikado. While it initially seemed nice for Mikado to act more upbeat than usual, there was something _off_ about his cheerful exterior. Anri could not pinpoint it down... Mikado's recent attitude was reminiscent of the days when Kida used to be around, but with Kida gone, it gave off an unsettling vibe. In fact, what Anri felt from Mikado's aura was not something warm, but rather, something _cold_. Even worse, since when did Mikado suddenly stated that he didn't _care_ about Anri's secrets? It almost came off as if he didn't want to know - like he didn't want to acknowledge her _abnormality_.

What happened to the kind, gentle boy whom Anri had come to know and... _love_?

" _Love him, love him, **I must love him**..._ "

Saika's sudden outburst shocked Anri to her core. Of all the times that Saika had to go haywire in order to concern Anri, it had to be at this moment. Anri cannot believe what is happening between her and Mikado. She shouldn't let Saika love him - she shouldn't let _herself_ love him, not like this, and yet Saika kept persisting. The more Mikado pushed her away, the more Saika screamed for his love, and that _terrified_ Anri. For Mikado to start off as a tiny fraction of Saika's love for humanity, it was staggering to see that he was becoming a newly special target. There was however, someone else whom Saika desired just as much as Mikado, or maybe even more than him.

The second one was Shizuo Heiwajima.

Shizuo Heiwajima was not like Mikado - in fact, he was the complete opposite. While Mikado was a young teenager, Shizuo was an older man. While Mikado was short, Shizuo was tall. While Mikado was dark-haired, Shizuo was blonde. While Mikado was physically weak, Shizuo was physically strong. While Mikado depended on his mind, Shizuo depended on his strength. Finally, while Mikado and Anri shared a close bond, Shizuo and Anri were nothing more than mere acquaintances.

And yet, despite their lack of closeness, Anri admired Shizuo as one would admire a hero.

It was surprising to Anri to find herself admiring him despite the unlikely circumstances. Encountering the strongest man of Ikebukuro viciously beating up several gang members did not leave a good first impression on her. Even worse, when Saika became obsessed with Shizuo due to his incredible power, Anri got even more anxious. She was used to hear Saika's repetitive words on a daily basis, but to hear those words becoming increasingly louder in Shizuo's presence told a threatening sign of her state of control. Although Saika loved all humans, none of them had ever excited the cursed blade to such an overwhelming extent. This almost made its wielder determined to never come in contact with the bartender for a prolonged period of time. At this rate, who knew how long it would take until the blade would go off?

Although Anri was intimidated by Shizuo's violent personality and superhuman strength, she later found out that the strongest man of Ikebukuro had a softer side as well. From saving her life _twice_ to seeing him deliver a goofy smile in order to ease Akane Awakusu's worries about him harming her family, she realized that there was more to him than meets the eye. It was like the supposedly fearsome monster was revealed to harbor a much more humane side, not revealing itself unless the monster encountered no nuisances; but that didn't mean that Anri saw Shizuo as a monster to begin with. Besides, she found it amusing when she came across him having the cat, Dokusonmaru, on his head. It would be incredibly rare for a true monster to do that, and Shizuo was no monster, so seeing such a sight somehow relaxed Anri.

Who knew that the man capable of mass destruction turned out to be a tranquil individual who also happened to be... _cute_?

At one point, Anri was curious to see if there was anything Saika saw in Shizuo besides his strength. When she found herself gazing at the tall man - all while successfully keeping Saika down - she remarked on how easy he was to look on the eyes. It might have been an unfair assessment, but compared to Mikado, Shizuo was the more handsome of the two, at least to Anri. His looks might have been one reason why he garnered so many admirers who were willing to socialize with him, but the girl could never bring herself to do so due to her sword.

Despite the setback, Anri mildly regretted her decision. For the few moments they were in each other's space, she could have initiated something. She could have immediately told him her name as soon as he asked her who she was. She could have made him see that she was more than just an unknown face. She could have tried to hold a conversation with him all while keeping the sword down with ease. She wished they grew to be close friends, just like how she and Celty became good friends as well.

" _Shizuo, Shizuo, Shizuo, **Shizuo**._.."

There it goes again. Just thinking about that man was already enough to arouse the cursed blade to no end.

Sometimes, Anri thought what would have happened if she never had Saika. Well, first thing's first, she would have been dead by now due to her father's abuse; but other than that, she would have had the ability to love... Or did she have that ability from the start? If so, then why isn't Saika immediately controlling her? Did she repress it hard enough that she only _thought_ it didn't exist? Anri didn't know herself, but she wasn't willing to ask Saika for answers.

If Anri were to pursue Mikado, she would struggle with the dilemma of interfering in his affairs. If Anri were to pursue Shizuo, she might inevitably cause another Saika outbreak, depending on how much control she had over the sword. Either way, Saika was waiting impatiently to come out.

Just when Anri was in deep thought, Saika interrupted her train of thinking with these surprising words.

 _"Do you want him?"_

Suddenly, the bespectacled girl paused for a moment in slight confusion. _"Huh?"_

 _"Who do you want? Do you want the boy who can heal you? The one who can nurture you back into your old self?"_

Anri couldn't help but be saddened by this thought. With the way things are going, it didn't seem that Mikado would be a good source of emotional support nowadays.

 _"No, how can he heal me when he's already in the dark?"_

 _"Then would you rather pick the strong man? Do you want to savor his strength?"_

Anri was definitely not willing to let Saika ever get its hands on Shizuo. Besides, she did not want him to only remember her as the "girl who tried to stab him with a crazy sword."

" _No, I don't want him to succumb to your own curse."_

 _"Then who do you want? Say his name, and I will make him become yours."_

Anri fell into silence. She did not know who to choose – or who would _Saika_ choose.

The ambitious emperor or the serene man.

The dragon's peak or the peaceful island.

The brains or the brawn.

The boy or the man.

Anri could not tell.

 _"I...I don't know."_

* * *

So, what do you think? Reviews & constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!


End file.
